AI Cheat Sheet for Commentators

There’s only so times you can hear a commentator scream some inanity like “He’s hit that for six!” (no shit), “That’s a fantastic shot!” (is it, though?) or “That was an excellent delivery”.

I was asking Bob, my AI assistant, for cricket quotes from commentators, pundits, journalists and the like (for the list you see in the right hand side of this site (or below the main content if you’re on mobile), but at first he mistakenly thought I wanted him to create 100 humorous quotes.

I gave him a good spanking and sent him to bed without any supper before explaining what I meant, including providing verified sources for the actual, real quotes.

But going over his fantasy drivel (Bob does tend to drivel on sometimes) I was actually rather impressed, which is why I have created this handy cheat sheet for commentators to spice up their commentary with.

All quotes here are courtesy of Bob:

“We flung the bat at it. Sometimes it came back.”

“He bowls like he’s late for his own wedding.”

“The pitch is behaving like a toddler: unpredictable and sticky.”

“That shot had no parents.”

“He read the googly like it was written in hieroglyphs.”

“Fielding? He’s basically a spectator with better seats.”

“The ball is talking. Sadly, his bat doesn’t speak the language.”

“He tried to leave that… but the ball didn’t agree.”

“That’s the kind of shot you regret before it’s finished.”

“The bowler appeals like a man trying to stop a bus.”

“A slower ball so slow it almost needed a visa.”

“He’s batting on hope and muscle memory.”

“Edges are like exes. They always turn up when you least want them.”

“He’s playing and missing like he’s allergic to contact.”

“That’s not a shot; that’s a cry for help.”

“The ball followed him like a debt collector.”

“He dives like a man thrown out of a bar.”

“The spinner’s working dark arts today.”

“That shot was optimistic bordering on delusional.”

“He’s bowling hand-grenades, not deliveries.”

“The pitch has the mood of a feral cat.”

“He left that like it was radioactive.”

“He runs between wickets like he’s dodging traffic.”

“That’s a shot his teammates won’t let him forget.”

“He’s batting like the instructions are in a lost email.”

“That catch defied physics and manners.”

“He bowled him so clean the bail wrote a resignation letter.”

“Shot selection? More like shot roulette.”

“The bowler looks confident. No one else does.”

“He’s batting like the bat is ornamental.”

“That was a yorker from the underworld.”

“He’s fielding like he’s safeguarding invisible treasure.”

“A slower ball that fooled everyone including the bowler.”

“His footwork looks like someone rearranging furniture.”

“He middled that so sweetly bees got jealous.”

“That appeal had more hope than science.”

“He’s bowling with the patience of a saint and the aim of a sniper.”

“That’s less a defensive shot and more a polite gesture.”

“He tried to slog it into next week but arrived early.”

“The umpire blinked slower than that delivery.”

“He’s batting like a man negotiating with destiny.”

“That catch was so casual it should’ve worn sandals.”

“His bowling rhythm is jazz: strange but somehow working.”

“He leaves more than a Victorian landlord.”

“That sweep shot had the elegance of spilled cereal.”

“He plays spin like he owes it money.”

“The ball is reversing like it’s reconsidering life choices.”

“He’s defending like a man plugging leaks.”

“The umpires look confused. A fair response.”

“That shot was invented moments ago and should stay that way.”

“He’s swinging like he’s trying to launch satellites.”

“That’s a misfield with philosophical undertones.”

“The bowler’s on fire. Figuratively, thankfully.”

“The batsman’s timing is on holiday.”

“He’s as nervous as a long-tail cat in a room of rocking chairs.”

“The bowler’s eyes say ‘plan’, the ball says ‘no plan’.”

“He’s playing spin like it’s a haunted house.”

“That edge was louder than his confidence.”

“He threw the ball back like it insulted him.”

“That’s a bouncer with altitude issues.”

“He’s batting like the bat is a borrowed tool.”

“That shot had ambition but no competence.”

“A leave so extravagant it deserved applause.”

“The field is tighter than a mystery novel.”

“He’s bowling with vengeance and caffeine.”

“That was less a shot, more a meteorological event.”

“He’s chasing leather like a dog that doubts its life choices.”

“That catch stuck like gossip.”

“He bats like he’s searching for enlightenment.”

“The bowler’s run-up looks like sketch comedy.”

“That shot was forged in pure desperation.”

“The pitch is misbehaving like a classic villain.”

“He’s playing and missing like it’s performance art.”

“That’s a yorker so mean it needs counselling.”

“He fields with enthusiasm and questionable physics.”

“The bat made a noise known only to timber morticians.”

“He’s running singles like he’s avoiding paperwork.”

“That delivery zig-zagged like a guilty conscience.”

“He’s sweeping like a man late for chores.”

“The ball is bouncing with rebellious teenage energy.”

“His shot selection is sponsored by chaos.”

“That edge was practically a confession.”

“He’s bowling to him like it’s personal.”

“That shot deserved a gentle apology.”

“He’s batting like gravity got stronger.”

“That’s a bouncer that questioned his worldview.”

“He’s fielding like he misplaced his motivation.”

“That drive was so perfect poets took notes.”

“He bowled him with surgical pettiness.”

“That misfield will echo through group chats.”

“He’s batting like the innings is a prank.”

“The bowler appeals like he’s ordering coffee.”

“That slog had the precision of guesswork.”

“He’s leaving deliveries like he’s saving them for later.”

“That’s a drop the fielder will remember in nightmares.”

“He bowled that slower ball on tiptoes.”

“His bat has entered witness protection.”

“That pull shot had the arc of a UFO sighting.”

“He’s using the middle of the bat as a myth.”

“That wicket was the ball finally expressing itself.”